Yes, I know this teen vampire
sequel topped the US box office over the weekend. And yes, yes, I KNOW it has already taken in more than US$230 million since it opened 11 days ago.
BUT.
This is a public service announcement. Do not - I repeat, do NOT watch this movie. You're doing yourself a favour. No need to thank me, and I quote New Moon vampre blondie Rosalie Hale (played by Nikki Reed), "This is not the life (movie) I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone to vote NO for me."
This painful experience started when I, against my better judgment, agreed to accompany a friend to last week's New Moon gala premiere. After saying 'okay', I could not, for the life of me, shake off the awful feeling of impending doom. I was right.
When we arrived at Lido to collect the tickets (packed in an OH-SO-TWILIGHTY envelope and a ticket holder with the poster printed on it), we were greeted by loud, piercing shrieks. A Twilight lookalike contest of some sort had apparently been going on, and fans were going nuts. "Presenting...the Bellas!" *cue loud AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEs from the mainly-female audience* It was at this very moment that I knew I'd made a huge mistake. I could only pray for help to last through the night.
Fast forward to the movie. I think it'll be easier to list my thoughts throughout the movie in point-form, so here goes:
- Oh dear Lord, it has begun. Please don't scream. Please.
- Is he seriously sparkling in the sun? HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOT GLITTER STUCK ALL OVER
- Why the slow, dramatic walk, Robert Pattinson? Guys, it's not sexy.
- Heh. This corny dialogue and horrible, wooden acting is actually kind of amusing.
- *half an hour in* The movie has ceased to be amusing. I kind of want to leave.
- Bella: "EDWARD LEFT ME. I CAN NO LONGER LIVE BECAUSE A GIRL CANNOT BE WITHOUT HER MAN" (this goes on for like 45 minutes)
- I will now do dangerous things just so my vampire bf can appear to me in the air
- 17-year-old Taylor Lautner (playing Jacob Black) takes his shirt off. People scream.
- Bella is an insult to feminism, I swear.
- This is a vampire movie without vampires.
- Off with the shirts again! This time with four(?) other guys as well. Man. Is this a movie or an Abercrombie & Fitch ad?
- I think I'll play Sudoku instead.
- Is this movie ever going to end? What's going on anyway? Oh, you Matthew McConaughey-wannabes again (Hint: Google "Matthew McConaughey hates shirts"). Back to Sudoku I go...
- After like the 5000th time you've taken your shirt off, it kind of loses its appeal, you know?
- An actor who can finally act, and you put her in the last 10 minutes of your movie. Smart choice.
- Bella's dramatic screams and spasming can rival The Watchmen's very own Nite Owl
- How many endings is this movie going to have? It's like LOTR: ROTK all over again, but indescribably worse.
- It ended like that? ...........really? Can I have my 2 hours back?
Nutshell: Painful dialogue, bad acting, Plot? What plot?, Girls - BOYFRIENDS ARE YOUR WHOLE LIFE, Boys - take your shirts off AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Sheesh.
Twilight New Moon YouTube Spoof: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJS8RTIO4so
If you want to read actual reviews about how bad it was, check Rotten Tomatoes. There's a reason why this movie scored a less-than-stellar 30%.
How on earth did this New Moon beat The Dark Knight in box office sales? How can it be the one to overtake one of the best-earning movies of all time!? No matter how much of a hardcore Twilight fan you are, why in the world would you make a freaking felt womb?
It's official. The world is ending.